for PATTAYA TRADER 267 (E)

ONE-LEFT-THE-PUPPET-THEATRE-TO-
WORK-ON-THE-CRUEL-FRINGE
He beat her so badly.
Blow after cruel blow
made their life look
a Punch-and-Judy show.
The kids who watched
find both their own.
One became a brute
when he was full-grown,
but not his brother.
To work he'd go
where he'd help Judies
of such a puppet-show.

for PATTAYA TRADER 267 (D)

CLOVEN CROSSOVER POINT
Two weeks in Oxford
with its spires.
Find I heard no
heavenly angelic choirs,
but I saw pretty-you
in my dreams there,
horned and tailed
yet no nightmare !

A BAD SEED ?
No man is born evil ?
What of the seed sown ?
Is a man made a devil
or just that he is grown ?

A NON-NUDE PRUDE POEM
We are all sexual objects
but also something more
if we accept what's natural
(go close on prudes the door ?).

for PATTAYA TRADER 267 (C)

SWINGING-THE-AXE-LEFT-TO-RIGHT
Jeremy Paxman -
a verbal axe-man -
is one to despise
every politician.
Used car salesmen
in his eyes,
he will cut down to size.

A-SHOCKED-AND-ROCKED-
QUICK-ROLLER
He saw the girl.
She was a shocker.
His hair stood up
like a punk-rockers !
She was a Goth,
a Goth-girl, yes.
The palest face,
the darkest dress,
the reddest lips,
the toothiest smile.
She crept towards him.
He ran the fastest mile !

for PATTAYA TRADER 267 (B)

YES-A-VICTORIAN-FEMALE'S-LIFE-
HALVED-BY-HER-EXTREME-WOE
From the Ha'penny Bridge
She was to throw
her very own body,
a mind full of woe.
Her skirts were to act
like a parachute
which made her injury
much more acute.
She'd have died quicker
with a greater speed
her skirts disallowed.
The ground she kneed,
and there the knees
had left two holes.
Not a full penny
was Saltburn's poor soul.

267

WITH HOST CRUEL DINE
Empty and most hungry,
you pine girl, you long.
Who will be your love ?
Will there soon be merry song ?

You light both the candles
then sit down to dine
with your cruel host, Loneliness,
and his dark-red wine,

while your heart oozes
to the so sad strings
of the phantom player's fiddle,
and to his strange music clings.

from MIDDLESBROUGH MAGIC SHIP No. 48 (Autumn Special 2016)

Auf Wiedeshen, Pet was partly filmed in Middlesbrough, Jimmy Nail and company drank in the Captain Cook pub close to the Transporter Bridge. Gate of Eden, God on the Rocks, Heartbeat, Inspector George Gently, did some filming in Saltburn. I met the star of 'Eden' who went on to play Herr Flick in 'Allo 'Allo!, and got the support of the heartbeat team over my campaign to restore the Victorian pier to its full-length. 5000 signatures, however, did not sway the local council in partnership with Saltburn Improvement Company. But I did get reopened a vital footpath down to the beach which had been closed illegally, and I and a lawyer who then befriended me exposed corruption in the town and prevented the Valley Garden being defaced. The Black Adder star, Rowan Atkinson, was greeted by me and a couple of others in the Valley Garden. It was rumoured his mother was residing in Saltburn for a while.  Cheers, mateys. Captain Mark, 17/9/2016.

for PATTAYA TRADER 267 (A)

THE-FULL-LENGTH-PIER-POEM-FIND ?
Saltburn's Victorian pier
is one without an end.
To the poet John Betjeman
all piers were his friend.

Saltburn's pier was halved
by an old steamship
and now the walk is short.
You'd think it a longer trip

because it's got no end,
oh yes it has no end.
A long walk off a short pier
won't make you its friend !

RUSTY OLD NAIL ?
"Wasn't he a Geordie ?"
the youth had said,
hitting old Jimmy
Nail on the head.

OVERTAXING-THE-WORKERS-
WITH-YOUR-TAX-AVOIDANCE
Take up your money,
bank it offshore.
The people who made you rich
now make them more poor.

THE FALL
To have you, girl,
in my arms to hold,
to kiss and caress
in autumn now gold.

RAMBLED AND SCRAMBLED
Like the very Pied Piper
he led the damn way,
and like Humpty Dumpty
she cracked one day.

She never should have
danced to his tune
like a helpless-child.
He's a rat, she is a loon.

for PATTAYA TRADER 266 (H)

DRUGGY-ALICE-AND-
THE-LOOKING-GLASS-YES
Alice is the lead singer
with the band Looking-Glass.
In a world sure her own
no-one gets a back-stage pass.
Male-groupies are a no-go
and the female-groupies too.
Fans can watch the band's show
but to Alice no0one gets through.

MOVING PICTURE
"I am no star," she says,
when I spy the motion-camera crew.
Perhaps not, young beauty,
but then today my muse are you !

A-HEART-HIGH-ON-HUNTCLIFF
A cupid-pink cloud
does she spy.
It's a red sun sinks
as into the sea,
from which bolts
do seem to fly.
Cupid has pierced
the pinkish-red heart of she.

A FAST AND SLOW FOOD CHAIN
Fast foods make us fat it's plain,
slow us down as on a heavy chain.

CAN OF 'QUALITY STREET' SWEETS
Equality, to match and meet,
'can' put a lid on quality
and that's not so sweet,
Beware then its quantity ?

THE TREE-TOP PRIMATES
Down in the Valley-Garden
by the monkey-puzzle-tree
met his lady a top-hat
and met her monkey she !

Puzzled were the public -
all of them Victorian -
that a lady should choose
a Darwin monkey-man !

Surely the missing-link
in the monkey chain,
she had respect to lose
but then his money to gain.

It's money buys respect
in the world today,
though not its possessors
who damn peanuts pay.

THE-TALL-TREE-WITH-
THE-SURELY-FRESHER-LEAF
Like a tree grown tall
from the ground,
he's been here long...
long-time around.
But a fresh-leaf
is she he's found.
Yes a fresh-leaf
is she, sweet she.
Too young though, sees,
for twice-her-age he ?

THE-LAZY-HANDS-OR-
THE-ENLIGHTENED-HEADS ?
So when the robots
bring us redundancy
will the idle hands
turn to thievery ?
Do the Devil's work
as find it said ?
Or self-improvement
be the way ahead ?

for PATTAYA TRADER 266 (G)

NATURAL-TO-KNOW
As to Sex Education,
leave it to the imagination ?
Some lack an imagination.
Let the Kama Sutra give them one !

SATELLITE DISH ?
Men go orbit the girl
like moths round  streetlights,
her beauty is all the world
to these satellites.

AVIATON AND ALCATRAZ
The birdman of Alcatraz ?
Yes a jailbird was he.
Some are born to be caged,
some born to fly free.
To feed the feathered-sort
was also his destiny.

for PATTAYA TRADER 266 (F)

LIKE-THE-CLOTHES-MOTH
Yes dear-lady I like
the cut of your cloth,
I like your hair-style,
your smile, your laugh.
I circle your body
as might a moth,
and love the way
you slip your clothes off !

FORGIVENESS FORGOTTEN
I was to forgive my girl
far too many times.
Lessons were not learnt,
she continued her 'crimes'.

Forgive I could no more
and I could forget she
who said "Forgive and forget,"
too many times to me.

FEATHERED AND TARRED
No jolly Jack Tars the gulls
tarred of feather on the ground.
Sailors of the skies, swimmers on the seas,
to the earth it is they're now bound.

THE ICY SLIP UP ?
There was an ice queen
whom very few men knew.
Outside her palace
they formed a queue
(some claimed it an igloo).
She'd say "Come on in,
it is warm inside,"
and along her hallway
each man would slide.
The Vice Squad called
but discovered no vice.
Melted in the arms of no one
the queen of ice.
The Vice Squad left,
a cue for the queue
to put on its skates
and get away fast too !

for PATTAYA TRADER 266 (E)

SO-NEAR-YET-SO-FAR-AWAY
Sometimes I pass you
along the street.
I know I'm not the guy
you wish to meet
but the beauty before me
knocks me off my feet.

Yes at times I pass you
along the street.
I know I'm not the guy
you'd care to greet
but the beauty before me
is so bitter-sweet.

You have your mind
on another guy ?
I'll continue, girl,
to pass you by.