for PATTAYA TRADER 161 (D)

MAKE-NO-CLEAR-SONG-AND-
DANCE-ABOUT-BULLDOZERS
In a country where
they bulldoze the homes
of their own people
to make a host-zone
for the singers from
many other proud-nations
to sing in a Eurovision
Contest stadium,
everyone is brought down
to the very-level
of dirt and dust,
of grit and gravel.
Only the contest-singers
may sound-out vocal,
and merely about love.
Kept quiet are the locals.

COME UNSTUCK?
Yes you knob,
you penis point,
head hung low,
did she disappoint?

Did the girl
give you no rise?
It's she likes
less stuck-up guys.

for PATTAYA TRADER 161 (C)

WHY-GIRLS-GET-THE-HUMP?
The Arab said he'd swop a camel
for the English-guy's girlfriend.
It had two humps in the wrong place,
and to bed a camel's surely the world's end !!
Two humps on a female-camel.
Yes you'll find I'm being very rude.
Fathers give away daughters at the altar
in Britain. No swops. Are they devalued?!

THE RESPONSIBLE-CHOICE-POEM
You say no man is born evil.
Because a helpless babe sure hurts not?
What about a latent seed-of-evil
from a previous life that had gone to pot?
Somebody from a good background
has grown-up to be bad.
Somebody from a bad background
has grown-up to be good.
We can't give all the blame to society.
We each have a choice and responsibility.

THE CHEF WORD
Is it Gordon Ramsey
or is it Ramsbottom?
To the end of the gin bottle
has the cooking guy gotten?
Every other word is "eff".
A television series
about a gin-soaked chef ?!

THE WRONG-WINDOW-VIEW
They said she was asking for it,
being out alone at night
in a micro-mini-skirt
and a sweater way-too-tight.
They say that she deserved it,
the rapist she was to over-excite.
But leaving a window open
on a very hot summery night
is an invitation to a burglar,
though it doesn't put the guy in the right !

WHERE? (repeat)

This is the original lyric I sent plasterer-rapper Zipparah (Zippy) Tafari when he advertised for a suitable lyric for the Britain's Got Talent show on Facebook. I was teaching English in Thailand at the time. It's derived from two much older (naughtier) lyrics of mine. He said he wanted to enter the show as he wasn't getting any younger.

WHERE?
Where'd I put my door-key?
Where'd I put my cellphone?
Where'd I put my car-keys?
Where'd I put them down?
This must happen to everyone
(even the Queen)

I went out Saturday night
and ended up in a fight
Lost my cellphone and my keys
Where did I put down these?

(Rpt. all 3 x)

for PATTAYA TRADER 161 (B)

GROUCHO'S GROG
The barman looked like Groucho Marx
but with his glassy eyes popping out on springs,
and his bow-tie span round and round
like a propellor, which now brings
me to his hair. It stood up on end,
or what was left of it, my friend.
Yes he surely was a damn funny sight,
yet I'd a lot to drink that night !

ON-LOVING-ENEMIES-AND-
A-LIKEABLE-GIRL
Yes I liked her, didn't love her.
Find she could not deal with that.
If you can't love what you like
an enemy's chances are damn-fat !

THE-FIXED-FIGHT-HERO
On go the boxers' gloves,
the first bell is then to sound.
Both men make a real mean face
and start to shove each other around.

One of them lashes out wild
and strikes his foe right in the teeth.
The battle is now underway,
to the winner the laurel, to the loser the wreath.

There are punches in the belly
and blows dealt to the chin.
Jabs that will blacken the eye
and dirty digs to bruise the opponent's skin.

In trying to knock the other half-dead
the crowd seems to come more alive.
Some might say it's just blood-money,
but the loser's been paid to take a dive.

for PATTAYA TRADER 161 (A)

THE-DIZZY-DRINK-DRY-DAY
The tiny pink-fairy-elephants
fly around the wishing well.
But there is no water to drink
because of a long hot-spell.

Yes the only wishing well
has been sun-baked, sun-dried.
There's not yet one raindrop
and fine-chance of a rainbow wide.

The tiny pink-fairy-elephants
are most surely out of place.
Bring on the flying camels
while after after-a-further-beer I thirstily chase !

A-COOP'S-PECKING-
ORDER-COCK
Ah, pretty soon
the dawn shall crack
as will the eggs
in the chicken shack.
To the yellow chicks
the rounded sun -
yellow as yolk
above the run -
shall be the god
for the priest-cock's praise,
he their feathery father
in two ways.

TORPEDO-TYPE-DREAMS
People were to call the man the captain
for he sailed upon the ocean wide and deep
where he was made a hero of the war,
though at home in peace-time he could not sleep.
Bad dreams were to return and haunt this man
like torpedoes from out of the sea so vast and blue,
while his frightened wife had long left him
and taken their very small children too.
But then old habits, as we know, die hard,
now and again he'd shout "All hands on deck."
He made a rope-noose round like a porthole,
later to be found hung with a broken neck.

A HEROIC MAILMAN
Hey Bukowski,
are you the hero Chinaski
of the P.O. ?
P.S. I do think so.

A SUGAR DADDY'S NAUGHTY GIRL
The hair on the man's head is very much like candy-floss,
while he is sugary-sweet as his blonde girlfriend's dad.
But she will craftily call him her handsome lover-boy,
and for his money the brassy girl shall be ever so bad.

WHERE?

The following lyric I sent BGT's Zapparah Tafari via Facebook, when teaching in Thailand, almost a year ago. Made up from two much older lyrics of mine. Zapparah adverised on Facebook asking for a lyric suitable for Britain's Got Talent, as he wanted to enter the show, implying he wasn't getting any younger. He has apperently altered it a little. This is what I sent him:

WHERE?
Where'd I put my door-key?
Where'd I put my cellphone?
Where'd I put my car-keys?
Where'd I put them down?
This must happen to everyone
(even the Queen)

I went out Saturday night
and ended up in a fight
Lost my cellphone and my keys
Where'd I put down these?

(Repeat all 3x)    Captain Mark's email: mark_thai2007@hotmail.com

for PATTAYA TRADER 160 (F)

COCKBIRD-COGBURN-
OR-COCKBURN?
Rooster Cogburn?
No it's not, by Cock !
Roosters are fowls,
don't you cop?
It's Cockburn, Cockburn,
oh by Jeeves-and-Wooster !
Cockburn his surname,
nickname Rooster.

for PATTAYA TRADER 160 (E)

A-FAST-FOOT-FEMALE
Look but do not touch,
or the showgirl will kick-box.
Place your hand on her rear,
she'll thrust her foot in your crotch.
If the message you don't get
her pretty foot you will, you bet !

for PATTAYA TRADER 160 (D)

THE-EXEMPLARY-ELEPHANT-MAN
They liked to mock the freaks
in Queen Victoria's day.
The victims were on show,
their deformities to display.
The Elephant Boy grew to man
more-learned in his way
than his Victorian mockers
who should've had hell to pay.
The man no longer with us
sits with the god-Elephantus?

HER-MAIDENHEAD-
AND-MEMORY-YES
Wherever is her cellphone?
Wherever are her keys?
Where'd she place her panties?
Can't find any of these.
If not fixed-on, she would lose her head.
Today she lost her virginity instead.

for PATTAYA TRADER 160 (C)

A-MINOTAUR'S-MAZE-
IT-IS
You are leaves of grass
on which he comes to graze,
and girl you are lost
as in a bullman's maze.
He eats your body with his eyes,
drinks-your-dove-coos-and-your-sighs.

THE-HUGE-STEAM-ENGINE
We are just cogs
in a huge-machine
that is surely running
quick out of steam.
Going round in circles,
getting nowhere.
Spluttering to a halt,
poisoning the air.