for PATTAYA TRADER 147 (B)

DRY-CANADIAN-LABEL-DRINKER
With his whisky and ginger-ale
he just wants to go die.
His girl was a fiery-redhead
he later found in a Mountie's bed.
He's going to drink Canada dry.

A-MIDDLE-EASTERN-
BELLY-MUSCLE-DANCE
Exotic-and-very-erotic,
she is surely the answer
to my midway travel blues.
Bring on the belly-dancer.

SUN-AND-SHADOW
Doctors and drug-dealers.
Saints and pure-sinners.
Heroes and damn-cowards.
Real-losers and big-winners.
Not all is black, not all is white,
but much darkness obscures the light.

Errors:

There are over 300 verses thus far, and several minor errors. In a verse I have typed De Guiles instead of De Rais (as to Gilles De Rais) which is, of course, a mistake. There is also a gap between the verses some way down, which was not intentional. Scroll right down to find actual pages from the Trader.

For PATTAYA TRADER 147 (A)

THE-CARIBBEAN-KIND'S-
SO-HUMANE-KINDNESS
Mary Seacole,
now there's a tale
of a Creole
who - like Nightingale -
nursed the wounded
brought from battle
where men were slaughtered
just like sheep and cattle.

Mary Seacole,
yes there's a tale
of a Creole
who aided the pale
shell-shocked sick,
prayed for the dying,
with a solemn duty
that was so death-defying.

YES-THE-REAL-RHYMER-
TOM-IT-IS
Thomas Spence of Tyne-and-Wear
spoke of Fairyland being right here.
If only we'd start with better pay
for the working folk he was to say.
Daughters-of-Faery, sons-of-Ocean,
to you he sang songs of devotion.
What seems reality's only a pretence.
Give-up on dreams at your own expence.

MAIN-LINER LENNY
Go try laying-off the monkey juice.
Maybe you'll stop swearing like-comedian-Lenny-Bruce !

SOL'S-OLD-AND-WISE-
SON-SONG?
The son of a son
of a son of Solomon?
You think that you are wise.
Wed in a song of songs
to Sophia with the knowing eyes.
Yet wisdom and knowledge you confuse.
Wisdom's how the latter you use.

for PATTAYA TRADER 146 (D)

A-DARK-DEMON-DRUG-
DON'T-YOU-GO-TAKE
(On A. Crowley's 'Diary of A
Drug-Fiend')
Should you look up into the sun
then find that your time has come
as creature-of-the-living-strange.
Yes as a drug-fiend you'll change -
as even the vampires surely must -
into particles of pure-dust.
Blinded by the heavenly light
will you be, creature-of-the-night.

ALONG GET I
"The far-left is dead,"
the Tory Party had said,
goose-stepping with arrogant pride.
I'm very much in the middle,
but didn't Nero fiddle
while Rome burnt, the-Devil-on-his-right-hand-side?
You might think me wrong
yet I get along
as I sing my song
caught between the great divide.

for PATTAYA TRADER 146 (C)

THE GEM JOANNA
The lovely Joanna Lumley
enjoys the verses of John Betjeman.
She thinks they are fine-diamonds.
He'd have thought her an Asolutely Fabulous gem.

YES-OLD-KNITTING-NEEDLE-
LADY-DID-IT-BOYS-IN-BLUE
Miss Marple makes the cops look woolly-brained
while she sits there with her knitting.
Yes there's murder where ever she goes.
Is it the old-girl thrusts the needle in?
From butcher to baker to candlestick-maker,
of tv's detectives we've had our share.
Find I reach for the switch to turn them off,
but turn my back on Miss Marple wouldn't dare !

A-GIRL'S-MONKEY-HANG-UP
The girl came from Birmingham,
she said "We call it Brum.
I lived there with my boyfriend
but he was very much a baboon's bum.
Well, I had to leave the ape,
play no more the poor fool.
I hear that they hang monkeys
up here in Hartlepool?"

SO-HAPPY-JUMPS-JACK
Yes spring-heeled Jack,
he was seen out-back.
Went over the wall,
sprang-down the track
this May morn, at dawn's crack.
I bet come June
he'll be over the moon.

AN-OLD-POLICE-SQUAD'S-
DARN-QUICK-PAIR
Sweeney Todd, yes Sweeney Todd;
Cockney rhyming slang for the Flying Squad.
They busted a big-narcotics ring
and were well and truly flying.
One looked like Denny Waterman.
One looked like John Thaw.
"You're nicked, you're nicked, you're nicked,
because we are the law."
They used to celebrate a bust
with drink, with booze, with beer.
But now they'd both a warehouse
piled up with packets of new gear !

YES-DOWN-THE-MUCKY-DOCKS
WITH-NOT-SO-DUMB-DAISY
Don't step on the concrete-cracks,
you just never know your luck.
Ah, here comes Dockside-Daisy,
the cute-girl with the hook.
She has a speech-impediment
but lets her fingers talk.
Yes she has a speech-impediment
yet a most-telling walk.

No don't step on the concrete-cracks,
you just never know your luck,
but lie down with Dockside-Daisy
and-through-the-cracks-the-flowers-push-up.

for PATTAYA TRADER 146 (B)

BLINDED-BY-BENIGN-BEAUTY
They said that Mata Hari
was a foreign spy.
Before a firing-squad
she had to die.
She'd brought-down the wrath
of the Valkyrie,
fired-up the evil-warlord's
teutonic fury.
For the soldier-boys
blindfold her eyes,
such prettiness there
is known to mesmerise.
One last cigarette
for the girl condemned.
Vanish in smoke
beauty without end.

for PATTAYA TRADER 146 (A)

WITHOUT-THE-CONDITIONED-
BRAIN-BOX
The Thai girl wears my shirt
and also wears my socks.
She's turning into a Western male.
I'm thinking outside the box.

Not yet wearing my trousers,
her culture no longer shocks.
She pretty-well adapts to my ways.
She's thinking outside the box.

We stand face to face,
Eastern and Western clocks.
Both our minds in different times
though thinking outside the box.

And so it is I kiss her,
but where is her Eastern frock?
She'll soon wear the trousers !
I think outside the box.

OPENS-UP-WIDE-HER-EYES-
THE-DREAMY-SLEEPER
Your eyes now wide-open
after so long a sleep,
look around you, girl;
look around you and go weep.

A twelve-month for each
and every one of your tears,
you've finally awoken, girl;
yes you've been sleeping for years.

You were sold the dreams
that were never to come true.
Like Rip-Van-Winkle, girl;
you see the world anew.

THE-DANDY-IS-DANNY
Find the male-newt bears the crest
and the male-robin the red-breast.
Danny is a dandy, a peacock at best;
but his feathers pluck the dreary rest.

MEAN-TEEN-TIMES-IN-
BLUE-BRITAIN
There is a campaign of hate
just outside the school gate
where evil drug-pushers lie in wait.
Poor-kids dress up, rich-kids down,
a white-girl speaks as if brown.
She tells a guy she isn't free.
The price is a ride in his JIV.
Yes there's a campaign of hate,
and it's right across the State.

for PATTAYA TRADER 145 (G)

FORCED-SUICIDE-OF
PHILOSOPHER-SOCRATES
"Socrates, you think too much.
Now must end your time.
Celebrate this hour of your death
with this cup of hemlock-wine.
You poison the minds of men
and so by poison meet your end.
To death you have been condemned.
Free-thinking find is your crime."

A-DEVILISH-VICAR-FOR-SURE !
At the vicars-and-tarts party
there entered a real vicar.
He'd a taste for all the tarts
and a thirst for all the liquor.
He drank, he came-and-went,
on his arm was the hired stripper.
Tomorrow, at the church-ladies-picnic,
shall it be "Another tart with your tea, Vicar?"?!

for PATTAYA TRADER 145 (F)

THE WESTERN WITS
Poets Dorothy Parker
and Ogden Nash.
Witty versifiers in
a land of cash, cash, cash.
Now Oscar Wilde,
he journeyed there
and only his genius
was he to declare.
A very great wit,
should have left some where
Dotty and Oggy never
got their views to share.

for PATTAYA TRADER 145 (E)

IT'S-SALTBURN'S-
SHADY-ANDREW-RIDES-ON?
There was a Yorkshire lass
with John Andrew the night would pass.
That's John Andrew the smuggler king.
And it was the smuggler king, yes,
who'd made the super-fast ride Black Bess
is said to have made for Dick Turpin.

Yes there was a Yorkshire lass
who was as sharp as any cutlass
and as fast as the smuggler could ride.
She was his alibi for the night, yes,
quick came her idea; she was as quick to undress !
But on the smuggler king would turn the tide.

What became of the Yorkshire lass
while in York Prison his nights he passed
there was no one who really knew.
But I hear on a moonlit night, yes,
you might hear a horse as fast as Black Bess
and see go riding a ghostly two.

SISTER GEORGE
When females weren't supposed to think,
let alone sit down and write,
she dressed as would a man,
called herself George Sand.
She cigar-smoked her hat off.
Put up a good and justly fight.

BETWIXT-INNOCENCE-AND-
EXPERIENCE-LIES-POETIC-
BLAKEAN-WISDOM
With their daisy-chains,
their schoolyard games
and no regards as to tomorrow,
60s youth-movement innocence
surely led to 70s youth experience
of tenement-block-needle sorrow.

for PATTAYA TRADER 145 (D)

A-REAL-EXPENSIVE-PEARL-DIVER
She is pretty and from Pattaya.
She is pretty as a pearl
formed by the diseased oyster.
Yet priceless isn't the girl.
Go swim with the turtle.
Swim with the cute-dolphin too.
But take a dive with Lek
and ye gods, it will cost you !

IT'S-MOLL-FLANDERS-OR-
A-DUNGEON-BORN-GIRL'S-
DESTINY-FIND
To be born in prison-Newgate
was the poor girl's infant fate.
Oh Moll, it's so mollifying !
Never to go straight,
but ever to relate
to whoring, thieving, lying.
Flanders no longer poor,
no role-model for an honest whore !